maandag 26 oktober 2015

my pornfilmfestival reflection

i often feel sex as something complex, painful, and problematic.
there have been moments in my life when i didn’t: when i just enjoyed my body with an other, without shame, uncertainty and pain.
but most of the time, it is not like this. and i have been trying to fight all the ugly aspects of sex on very many levels and in a lot of different ways, but it is still hard. it doesn’t get much better.
the only thing that gets better is that i don’t do it anymore if i don’t feel safe. which means i don’t do a lot of sex anymore at all.

i think sex-positivism is a revolutionary thing. i love being around people who know that word, and live it. i love talking about sex and sexuality, because i think being honest and open about it is the first step towards this revolution. but i haven’t been really honest and open about my own sexuality. when i was younger i wasn’t, because i just did what i thought people expected me to do, and now i am not because by being around sex-positivists, sex-workers and all other kinds of sexperimental people, i feel like i pretend to be this sexual being that i am not. this is my attempt to change that.

politically, i think there should be free sex for everybody, no shaming, no monogamy, no taboos, lots of pervs, lots of nudity, lots of sextoys, lots of porn.
personally, i am ashamed, in pain, scared and confused..and i need a lót of trust to conquer this and be the sex-positive creature i want to be. a lot of trust is not everywhere to find, it is very rare. when it’s not there, sex can either feel very far away or very threatening.

the berlin porn film festival felt a bit like a cage of sex-positivism to me. everybody was so cheerful about sex that i felt very different, a voyeur, or sometimes even pathologized, like there was something wrong with me. but, as i tell to young people all the time: there is never anything wrong with your sexuality. and it can change all the time, it is dynamic, as long as you take yourself, your body and your pleasure seriously.
i am still working on embodying this mantra too. and i love the people of the pff, and i love working on the topic, and i love talking to young people about their explorations, and i love taking my clothes off with my friends, and i love good sex! but i also need some space to feel the complexity of it all, and the pain that can come with the intimacy. without this, there is no lust for me, and the discourse of sex-positivism becomes a very threatening, normative one.

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