How proud can Rotterdam be?

This is a story about my personal experience. I would like to make a navelgazing-disclaimer, because i know my story can never represent a whole group and i am claiming a space that is meant for more than just me. But i do think there’s a value in sharing personal stories as a start for conversations about shared experiences, values and meaning. I also think the latter is the core of a movement.

I was born and raised in Rotterdam, and i never learned to be proud. (because that’s not a very ‘Rotterdam’ thing to learn..) Until that one moment, at least. That moment, when i marched at ‘de Lijnbaan’ with my community--i learned how it feels to be fucking proud!

It was September 2015, not more than a month after my partner-in-crime and I told the organization of Rotterdam Pride that we thought the core of a Pride should be a march, a demonstration.  The director of Pride said to us: Ok, maybe you’re right, go for it!

And so we did. We created a Facebook event and invited everyone we knew. I didn’t really expect a lot of people to show up, and i was bloody nervous about the safety of us all, but those realisations came up too late.

So at the friday afternoon of Pride Walk 2015, i cycled to the city council with my orange megaphone and a pink wig, expecting a little cute gathering. 300 people came.

This is what it looked like:

https://www.facebook.com/TheHangOut010/videos/1705171886383374/

We claimed the streets alright! With not much more than our bodies, a brass band and a whole lot of Hang-Out  spirit.

-We didn’t get any funds. We didn’t spend any money. -

After this, all cliches happened. Because the march was such a success, Rotterdam Pride took over and made it into something i think goes against everything it should be. They told me about KPN as a sponsor. I told them a big multinational could never be a sponsor of a political march. (if you don’t know why, read along or read more) I also told them we didn’t need a lot of money. I told them about funds I researched and we could get. But they went along with KPN and made the march into an event, with a stage and a VIP-tent. I did what i could by speeching about the importance of visibility of diversity not only for the masses, but even more for the young LGBT+kids out there who think they’re alone. I tried to get everyone into the VIP tent, and me and my friends dragged the pink elderly to the front of the march. The Hang-Out kids danced their asses off, like they always do. I was very proud again, but something was missing. We lost something. We didn’t get it our way, but we were forced into a structure of others, and our message got lost in skipping the political, critical stuff and heading directly to the ‘fun’ part of pride.

Now it’s time to claim the missing part back

In Rotterdam we are still figuring out if we can even be proud at all. Is Rotterdam Pride-worthy? And what should that pride look like?

Rotterdam has no policy when it comes to refugees, Rotterdam thinks all people in welfare are scum who don’t want to work, Rotterdam takes non-violent demonstrators to prison, Rotterdam does racial profiling, Rotterdam blames Islam for all crimes, Rotterdam is governed by fascists claiming they are the norm, Rotterdam bans people from their houses to welcome the richer ...i could go on for ages.

But, also: Rotterdam is the most cultural diverse city in the Netherlands, Rotterdam has all those people living together pretty peacefully every day, Rotterdam is honest, Rotterdam has a real skyline, Rotterdam is the beautiful underdog, Rotterdam has a superlovely LGBT+community (with the best queerparty, of course :)), Rotterdam is unpredictable, Rotterdam loves itself without arrogance, ….etc.

I love my city. I believe that this city made me who i am today and all the events i organize are made because of this city. I feel The Hang-Out 010 is one of the best examples of the thing i love so much here: it wasn’t an initiative constructed from abstract ideas and plans. It happened as we went along. We just started, and we invited everyone who was willing to support in any way. The first editions of the Rotterdam Pride happened the same way. It was amateuristic, it was messy, you had to pay attention to find it, and by the time you found it, it was already almost over--but we got people together and we made a difference, especially for each other. That’s my Rotterdam.

--Niet lullen, maar poetsen. We don’t need a lot of money for that.--

KPN- voel je vrij (feel free) --- The slogan of Pride Walk’s sponsor is so ironic, Alanis wouldn’t know how to deal with it. Are they aware of this? Do they know how right-wing Rotterdam politicians are spreading hate speech since decades already? Do they know they are advocating a freedom based on wealth and privilege? Are they aware of the fact that a lot of transgender people don’t feel free, no matter how many MB’s they get? Don’t they see how excluding and disrespectful such a slogan is? Do they really think money can buy freedom? Are they really that stupid??

I am afraid not. I am afraid they are just very smart in PR-strategies. The stupid ones are Rotterdam Pride, thinking this is the way to organize a Pride. Thinking a pride should be about ‘building bridges’ and ‘minding the gap’ between the community and corporations, between straight people in power and oppressed LGBT+people.

No, Rotterdam Pride. A pride is about safer spaces, about community, about sharing experiences, about finding each other within the safety of a pride-environment. That safety can not be held if you invite the oppressor! There is still so much violence and (micro)aggression towards minorities. Let’s hear them out first, before we ask them to be friendly with the aggressors.

Rotterdam Pride, this is your wake up call -- not sponsored by KPN.

The people from We Reclaim Our Pride, a Dutch queer collective which focuses on giving Prides back to the community, have formed a group in Rotterdam to take back the Pride Walk and turn it back into the political march/demonstration it is supposed to be. We will be joining the walk armed with banners, flyers and statements raising questions about the content, purpose and value of Pride.

I hope this will be the start of good talks and critical reflection, a re-defining of what Rotterdam Pride, and especially a Pride Walk, is. And more important: i hope we get to show the kids of Rotterdam that there’s a community waiting for them that looks hopeful, warm and relatable, but is also ready to stand up and fight for each other in solidarity. A community always ready to dance, but not before we stand united against pinkwashing, racism, discrimination, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, hatespeech, fascism, and all the other things nowadays so common in our shared experiences.

We need you! Want to join? Let us know: https://www.facebook.com/wereclaimourpride/

--------------------------------

Manon la Decadence studied Humanistics but is better know as a genderclown, hosting safer spaces in Rotterdam with their GenderBendingQueerParty and Get a Room! at WORM, and talks and support groups at The Hang-Out 010 and Adem Inn.

Love is love is love?

I am a relationship anarchist. looking back, i can say it started when i became an unsolicited part of date-culture, and me and my female friends (i thought i was somewhat ‘straight’ back then. it has been a long road, people...;)) went to bars where we only seemed to get together to talk about guys and to maybe check out other guys. I felt like i needed to date because i needed the stories. and so i did, ‘cause i was always willing to take care of the entertainment. :)

so I dated guys through datingsites. I hated this, because i have always hated the talks with straight cis-dudes in bars. so I mainly did lots of one night stands, which i liked better because then i could party with my friends first and just take home a stranger without having to listen to him a lot. and while i was in the middle of those moments with random dudes, i thought about the caricature i could create telling my friends about him, or about the clumsy funny situations or bad sexstories to share with them.

-it wasn’t all cynical, i even sincerely enjoyed myself a couple of times, mostly because the guy was funny and/or hot, and i couldn’t WAIT to tell them all some days later at our weekly gathering.-

date- and fuckstories are worth sharing. at the same time, i had by far the most fun-times going out with my friends. because my friends are the fucking best! they have always been. I have always loved my friends so much and thought they were the coolest bunches ever. I was a proud friend.

sometimes i even fell a bit in love with new friends, my so called ‘friend-crushes’. this could mean i was open for physical intimacy with them, other times this wasn’t really what i thought i wanted, or i just left it out there in the unknown/undecided. I just wanted to be close to them, cuddle them, they made me happy, they made me a better person, they were the ones i wanted to share my life with. and they still are, the same ones, and more recent ones.

this is why it is so confusing to me to live in this discourse of relationships where only romantic love and sexual contact is worth sharing stories about. I am non-monogamous, which means i am not limited to being with one partner to be intimate with in whatever way. then why is it that i am expected to share certain stories with some of them, whereas other stories don’t seem to be a danger or even worth mentioning?

I struggle so much with the distinction continuously made between relationships worth telling stories about and relationships taken for granted in narratives. I really don’t see why my lover should tell me all about their romances while they are not expected to compare our love to the intimacy i experience with close friends...

i would ask myself: is this story or relationship with the other person a danger to our relationship? no? then why present it like that, and at the same time leaving out other scenario’s of intimacy?

why should i tell my partner about that date i just had a coffee with and not about meeting my friend the other night and having the most life changing conversations?

I don’t want those questions, i want to break the hierarchy and the structures that create that hierarchy. I want small stories to become worth sharing, and big narratives to become less dominant.

I want relationship anarchy. poly is not enough. polyamory is an open door and that’s why relationship anarchy means so much more. of course we’re poly, we love our people, every now and then! we’re in a rhizome of encounters and relationships, and the ones that matter are the ones worth sharing.

and what matters is what we value as stories to be told.

we need to change the discourse of which stories are worth sharing, by upgrading the stories about our beloved friends to the same level as those with lovers and dates.

nothing is a danger to something else when it comes to human encounters, cause all love is different and equal. and don’t get me wrong, my jealousy can be bad, but is never about this distinction either. I can be jealous of everything and everybody. and that’s ok, i think, as long as i look at the jealousy as something that indicates some other fear i have. and my jealousy of things i can’t seem to have gets worse if i feel like the connections i invest most in are not worth as much as dates with lovers. I don’t think i am the only one.

there was a period in my life during which i was not only single, i also didn’t really have lovers or dates. people asked me: how’s your lovelife? and it made me feel so uncomfortable. I started to reflect upon this uncomfortable feeling, and i found out it was there because i knew they were asking me about dates, lovers and romance. I had no stories to tell, which would make my lovelife shit. but it didn’t feel like that at all. I felt very loved, by my friends and community. I also sometimes had sex or playdates with friends, and i felt like those were a bit more worth sharing than the ones i had a platonic friendship with. that felt not right either. like being naked with each other got you to a next level in the hierarchy of connection. sometimes yes, maybe, but other things do that as well. so i decided to try and answer this question differently. it went like:

“How’s your lovelife?”

“Pretty awesome. I feel so loved. I had the best conversation yesterday with my friend D, we talked and had dinner and drinks and we hugged goodbye and it made me feel so good.”

I want dates with my lovers and friends where i want us to ask each other: how is your love life? and i want this question to be about my friends, my lovers, my partners, and the beautiful strangers. love is love right?